Greasy Beaver offers a choice to disillusioned Kanata voters

It’s time for a change in federal politics.
This country needs a fresh voice, a new tomato, a political choirboy.
Canadian voters are the political equivalent of teenage girls in the tampon commercial that begins: Mom, sometimes I don’t feel … fresh.”
Well consider the Greasy Beaver Party your proverbial freshness.
In short, I plan to put my name forward as a candidate in the Carleton-Mississippi Mills riding for the next federal election.
Why the name Greasy Beaver?
Well, the beaver has long been a proud symbol for Canada.
And the word grease has political connotations. It’s also one of my favourite movies of all time: “This party is autocratic, it’s acrobatic, it’s fanatic, why this party’s greased lightnin’!
In essence, grease is the word.
It all started one afternoon at the office, when I stole my colleague’s Club Soda.
“You should be a politician,” he said in a deadpan yet pained voice.
“Yeah,” I thought.
I quickly phoned Elections Canada.
After speaking to an answering machine – “If you are an unemployed machinist, please press 1, if you are an unemployed monkey press 2, if you are … BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! … You pressed XYFX. … I do not know what that means.” – One hour of phone gymnastics later, I finally spoke to a human being.
Anyone can run in a federal election the Elections Canada representative – all you need to do is give the government $1,000, which is returned to you at the end of the election, and appoint an auditor and designated agent.
After quickly naming my editors as my auditor and designated agent – for which they will receive a crunchy donut – I printed off the nomination forms (you need 100 signatures on a form to be submitted before the end of December) and quickly toured my office.
“Do I have to use my name?” asked one nominator/co-worker.
“Do I have to use a Kanata address?” said another.
“What’s your platform,” pretty much all of them asked.
“Yes, yes and what’s a platform,” were my answers.
I wanted people’s vote – but this whole think-a-platform-through thing sounded kind of tough. But I digress.
I sat down and stared at my ceiling, played Solitaire on the computer for 10 minutes and then hummed a song by Bananarama, “It’s a blue, blue winter …”, as I composed the Greasy Beaver’s election platform with a lot of help from party organizers within my office.
First off: the slogan.
You’ve heard of a chicken in every pot?
Well, we promise a pot in every chicken. The Greasy Beavers strongly support the legalization and forced feeding of marijuana to chickens.
Greasy Beavers are strongly against the law of gravity.
If elected, we will repeal this law along with Murphy’s Law, the Law of the Jungle and if possible Jude Law.
Our platform?
Oak. A solid foundation for any campaign.
Here are some of the issues as we see them:
Debt financing: We owe billions upon billions of dollars in national debt. My cousin Vinnie won $1,000 at the casinos recently during a five-day Las Vegas holiday. I propose sending the minister of finance to Vegas to play the roulette table. He’ll put down $100 billion on red – that will take a sizeable bite out of the national debt.
Crime: The problem with crime is cost – it takes a lot of money to hire police officers and pay lawyers, judges and jailers. People talk about legalizing marijuana – Why? Because it costs too much to police marijuana users. Well, let’s extend that argument to all crime. If nothing is illegal, we won’t have to spend so much on the justice system.
Political corruption: The problem with political corruption is not the stealing of hundreds of millions of dollars. Since the hallowed days of Sir John A. Macdonald, Canadian politicians have taken bribes and stolen money from the public purse. It’s one of the perks of the job. When people scream bloody murder about unfortunate misunderstandings such as Adscam, they’re not angry about the money – they just wish their government had been honest enough to say, “Hey, no offense intended, but we’re taking you’re money and we really don’t have any plans to give it back. But, hey, we think you Canadians are special people.’ I propose to steal your money. But I will have the courtesy to tell you about it ahead of time. Incidents of political graft and pork barreling will be known as uh oh spaghettios.
Child care: The problem with child care is the children. They move quickly and are difficult to track. Why not build child care centres consisting of one big room filled with balls. Parents on the way to work can drop their child into the ball room. Or, they can actually put them in big plastic balls. That way, the kids get to roll around and have fun and at the end of the work-day parents can just roll their child home. Rollin’ rollin’ rollin’, keep those kiddies rollin’, CHILD CARE! Pick em’ up roll em’ out, ride em’ out. CHILD CARE!
Gun Control: A gun for everyone. We will not regulate the sale or possession of plastic dart guns. It is a fundamental right of every Canadian to own a plastic dart gun or water gun as long as that water is not sold to another country.
Education: Why do we want an education – to apply for a job and make money. Keeping in mind the Canadian government’s current job strategy, I propose to teach our youth basic math and reading skills suitable for their probable future workplace: Upon graduation, students should be able to calculate the cost of supersizing a Big Mac meal deal and be able to properly enunciate: “Would you like fries with that?”